I’ve written and deleted this post about a million and two times now, it’s getting a little (a lot) ridiculous so we are just gonna put our big girl pants on and kick my inner perfectionist, my anxiety and honestly just my whole brain into the curb for the moment. That means though, that this post will most likely be a hot mess. Good luck with making sense of anything I write ^^
To say I struggled last year (and still do) would probably be an understatement and yet I still feel like I’m unjustifiably whining about things that aren’t that bad. And they aren’t comparatively but they sucked me dry.
I sometimes struggle with noticing when my depression kicks back in, because I don’t feel bad per se, but more just empty. And I find that really hard to pinpoint when it happens. Quite a good indicator for that is though when my reading takes a toll.
If you happen to look at my Goodreads Challenge for last year, you’ll say that I did amazing (thank you, so kind of you!) and I did, kind of. But almost every book I read was through audio. Nothing wrong with that, I love listening to audio no matter how I feel, but I was unable to pick up a physical book for almost all of last year and that kind of fucked me up. My brain just noped right out. On top of that, I couldn’t read the books I usually would because for some reason they required too much brainpower? Too much excitement? And I didn’t want to “ruin” books that I might love if I read them when I could actually get enthusiastic about them?
But romance audiobooks really saved me during the summer! Like, I’ve never really read a romance book before and then just binged them ALL! Sometimes up to 2 or 3 a day … So, I can’t tell you a single book and what it’s about … they all just blend together. But oh my god, they helped so much! So thank you to all the romance authors being here for us during this pandemic. I’ve seen a couple of people say they’ve discovered romance during this and that’s so cool?
I might (!) make another post about my romance reading summer but no promises. I’d love to explore that topic a little more though.
But now, why was I soooo useless this last year?
Well, pandemic, duh … but more so all the additional stuff going on. I had a horrible time during the first half of 2020 with one of my roommates. If you’ve been following me on Twitter you might have seen it happen but basically, he told me he wanted to make my life living hell, and living hell he did make it. (Fun stuff!) There was lot’s of crying, there were moments I was honestly scared and a lot of insults.
It started over some pretty small thing and escalated to the point where I and my other roommate moved out of the flat we’ve been living in for 4 years because he refused to. (Oh and he spit at my other roommate, soooo …. yeah)
That kinda … sucked all my energy out. And I haven’t really recovered much since then because it was one thing after the other after that. (Okay, that sounds way more dramatic than what it actually was!) I just didn’t really have a moment to breathe and relax because Uni has been a lot since the pandemic started. I think a lot of you might relate to that?
I was supposed to have about three months off during the summer but the classes bled into our free time, so two months less of free time and in the remaining month I had to write my bachelor thesis which I handed in the day before the new semester started and it all began again. I’ve been running on two brain cells max since the spring and it really started to affect me in autumn. (And surprisingly enough, Uni with two brain cells is hard? Who would’ve thought)
And add to that the fact that I’m a little hermit crab and need all the alone time I can get and mix that with my roommate who needs to spend a lot of time with other people, sprinkle a little lockdown on here and there and you have the recipe for one very exhausted El.
It’s getting a little better, both life-wise and reading-wise (I’ve actually managed to pick at least some ebooks up … progress!) and I think I have about 3 brain cells now? But yeah, these are some of the reasons I kind of disappeared (halfheartedly) from the internet.
I had an unofficial hiatus during January and February and this post was originally gonna be that hiatus announcement but I just didn’t have the energy and brainpower to write it and without it, I felt way too bad for just leaving my blog … so that didn’t have the intended relaxing effect, so back again I am.
Also, so sorry to all the people I haven’t responded to in over a year!! I promise I still love you all and I’d love to talk more again … I just … when I don’t feel well and am really low on energy my communication skills (that are pretty abysmal to start with) just vanish completely … it’s a thing I want to work on but … yeah. And read and comment on more blogs again, because I seriously miss it!!